I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Randomize
