I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
