theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
