I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize