it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
