one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
