He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
