I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
