1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
