Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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