my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
