I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
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She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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