barbara walters just said penis...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
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Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
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How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
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