My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
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Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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