I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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