I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
