a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
