The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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