My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
she told me i tasted like america
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
