please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
