Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
