i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize