I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
