i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I wish there were birth control emojis
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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