Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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