I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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