Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
