fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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