omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
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P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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