What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
