I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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