I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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