Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
