Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
