Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
