The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
