I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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