Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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