dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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