Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
