This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I want her autograph on my taint
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
