Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
