I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
