Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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