I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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