And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
