I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
We're too hungover to prance.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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