so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
