How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize