Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Randomize
