i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
