Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
