In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
