We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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