I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
