My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
